The Green Mistress
by bilaterus
Summary: Heinz has a new girlfriend: Caroline Fletcher, a green-haired British lady who seems to be head over heels in love with him. But who is she, really, and what secrets are hidden in her mysterious past? Join the crew on this epic journey that will span years and continents, emotions and inators, weaving a tale of action, drama, romance, mystery, and familiar PnF hijinks.
1. The Green Mistress

_Pansy the Poodle didn't need binoculars to tell that the woman who was leaving the French holiday villa was Caroline: her impeccable posture, sharp business-like clothing, and, of course, her distinctive medium-length flowing olive hair, all identified her as the infamous Green Mistress. She had a simple, yet still stylish, black handbag hanging from her shoulder and she was calmly walking down the pathway from the villa towards the two agents in the car. The two looked at each other, both French and British agent aware of how critical this opportunity was. They nodded solemnly at each other, and then flung the car doors open and leapt out, ready to apprehend the Green Mistress._

_But she had already vanished._

_Simon the Skunk banged a paw against the car in frustration and the two agents rushed towards the gate where Caroline had been just moments before. Simon began to growl angrily but Pansy held up a paw and sniffed the air intently. After a few moments, she picked up what she was looking for: the unmistakable smell of the rich and sophisticated. Caroline's scent._

_Pansy began to follow her nose, Simon close behind, and they were led through the forest of trees that surrounded the villa. Pansy could feel the scent getting stronger, little by little, as they closed in on their target. But slowly, the trees began to thin out, and they soon found themselves in a bustling French marketplace._

_The two animal agents were surrounded by stalls selling fruits, breads, strong-smelling herbs and spices. There was a host of colours and smells that all served as distractions for the agents' senses. Caroline's scent seemed to have disappeared too. Pansy growled in frustration while Simon scanned the stalls frantically for their target._

_Then Pansy spotted a man selling little perfume bottles._

_The two agents rushed over to the stall and brandished a picture of Caroline in front of him. Slightly flustered, he confirmed the woman had just bought a particular bottle of perfume from him, 'Eau De Steak De Boeuf', a scent Pansy was acutely familiar with. But before the man could rope them into buying something, Pansy picked up the direction the new scent had gone and the two of them raced to follow it._

_They reached a fork in the road, but the scent seemed to go in both directions. After a moment's hesitation, Pansy pointed for Simon to check the right and she went left, where the scent was slightly stronger._

_On the left route, the scent quickly got more intense. Pansy could tell she was getting close. Her nose told her Caroline was right around the next corner. Pansy broke into a run, turned the corner, and leapt fiercely at the woman standing there..._

_Except it wasn't Caroline. Pansy looked down at the stumpy woman she had just tackled, and then up at the cafe the woman and what seemed to be her husband has just arrived at, both the husband and an angry waiter were both shouting in unintelligible French. She sniffed once more, to confirm her worst suspicions: yes, this woman was wearing the perfume too. Her nose had been tricked._

_Simon, meanwhile, had not been hopeful, but he turned a corner onto a main street and saw a flash of green hair halfway down it, among a scattering of people. Caroline turned and their gazes met for a moment, surprise flashing across her face as if she didn't expect him to follow her. Then she turned away and began walking briskly away from him. Simon sprinted towards her, getting close just as she disappeared into an alleyway. A few seconds later, he reached it too, and turned into it, expecting to see at least a flash of bright hair in his field of vision..._

_But the alleyway was a dead end, and there was nobody to be seen._

_The Green Mistress had escaped again._

* * *

"We don't know what Doof is up to, only that he's spending the day with that green-haired lady, so find out if he's up to anything evil and, if he is, put a stop to it. Monogram out."

Perry scarcely remembered that mission briefing from the morning; it was as much a part of his daily routine as brushing one's teeth and having breakfast. In fact, Perry was already flying towards Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, the morning air cool and refreshing. The image of the green-haired lady Monogram was referring to popped into his mind and he smiled, thinking back to the couple of memories he had involving her.

Caroline Fletcher. Doof's latest girlfriend and, surprisingly, one with whom the eccentric inventor had maintained a relationship for longer than one chapter (of his life, of course). Her most significant trait was, of course, her emerald-coloured hair, just like Ferb's. And she was quiet, just like Ferb. And she was good with tools, like Ferb.

_Huh, she's an adult woman version of_ _Ferb,_ Perry realised, as he turned his hovercar to land in a parking spot near the foot of the DEI building (Perry rarely crashed through the walls these days). _What are the odds?_

But more surprising than the rare, cartoon-like trait of striking similarity between two characters was how much she liked Doof. As he stood in the elevator, Perry thought back to how she had listened with such genuine fascination as Doof rambled about his numerous backstories and curious observations. And he remembered how she'd had a girlish fascination with one of Doof's inators as the two took a look under its hood. For such an apparently refined woman, she sure had a childish side.

"Hey, Perry the Platypus. Right on time, as always," Doof said cheerily. "We were just talking about you. You remember Caroline, right?"

He indicated towards her, and she gave Perry a smile and a little wave. She was wearing the same simple, striking dress as she wore last time, and Perry had to admit that the two of them together looked good. Happy. Even Doof's face seemed stuck in a permanent cheesy grin rather than his usual sinister one. Perry tipped his hat to Caroline in response to her little wave.

She really did seem familiar, but Perry couldn't place her.

"No time to trap you though, Perry the Platypus, Cat and I have an appointment at Paul Bunion's and we don't want to miss it. That's Caroline's nickname, by the way. 'Cat'. I like it, reminds me of my Great Aunt Cheshire Doofenshmirtz. Which is weird because she was allergic to cats. "

It was the first part of that mini-ramble that caused Perry to raise an eyebrow. _No trap?_

"And I've already given the whole backstory to Cat as we were building the device. Basically when I was young, I could always count on my local hairdresser to make my appearance even worse, and funnily enough, he's now moved his salon here, so behold, the Hairstylist-Doom-inator!"

Perry raised his other eyebrow. _No backstory either?_

But there was no time to decide whether he was glad or upset by that. The Doom-inator looked dangerous and, while he could thwart the scheme of any average day, Perry wasn't sure whether he could get through Caroline as well.

But she seemed passive enough. How slippery could she be?

With an impossible springiness, he leapt up at Doofenshmirtz, fist outstretched towards the scientist's prominent chin. It connected, sending him staggering backwards. Caroline swiftly moved to block his path, fists raised in a practised defensive stance. Perry hesitated. Could he hit her? But his hesitation lasted only for a moment, as she was, after all evil, and he began launching punches, kicks, and tail swipes in an attempt to break her defence.

But fighting her was a strange sensation. She defended professionally, but Perry got the sense that she was out of synch with her ability. She didn't try to fight back and hurt Perry either. Maybe she was rusty? The agent saw Doof struggling to his feet, massaging his sore chin, and resolved to get past Caroline. Faking a punch, Perry instead slid through her legs, making a mad dash for the inator.

But suddenly it began charging. Perry spun round and saw Caroline had a remote in hand pointed towards the inator, her finger firmly pressing the button on it. Instinctively, Perry knew he was too late to reach the inator.

The Hairstylist-Doom-inator began to hum threateningly in a rising tone. Perry realised with a start that he didn't even know what terrible thing the inator would do. He could only watch it fire a beam at the Hairdressers in defeat.

He winced and turned away, bracing himself for the resulting inevitable chaos...

But it never came. Cautiously, Perry turned towards the salon. It looked completely unaffected.

"Success!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed triumphantly. "Now their opening hours will be unfeasible for anyone wanting a haircut, and within no time at all, they'll be out of business!" He and Caroline high-fived, both childishly giddy with glee.

"Anyway, we better get going." Doof tossed a set of keys to Perry. "Feel free to destroy the inator. Lock up when you're done, Perry the Platypus. Thanks, you're a mensch."

And with that, the couple departed, neither looking away from the eyes of the other, leaving a thoroughly perplexed platypus in the middle of the apartment.


	2. The Nervous Scientist

_Worthington_ _Manor was a grand old building dating back to the 1800s, standing as solid evidence that, in England, there's good money in tea. The slogan, 'If it's not Worthington, it's not worth it' had burrowed its way into everybody's minds and Worthington was a household name. The building itself was maintained by Mr. and Mrs. Worthington's small force of 17 butlers, gardeners, and servants, but they hired another 2 when their daughter was born._

_She was a beautiful baby girl, petite and perfect in proportions. Mr. and Mrs. Worthington expected great things from her, their first child who they would impart their entire lives' experience and wisdom to and mold into a remarkable woman._

_But enough about Evangeline._

_Almost immediately after their daughter was born, the Worthingtons handed her off to the nursing maid. They did this so they could focus fully on the new advertising campaign that demanded their full attention. Worthington tea was, after all, facing an urgent crisis: the need to update the very image of tea-drinking itself to appeal to the new generation. Eventually, they cracked it, and Britons everywhere agreed with the billboards they had erected across the country; after all, nothing says 'Worthington Tea' like a monkey in a fedora._

_Flush with the success of the campaign, they returned home, only to find that Evangeline was already 4 years old. They marvelled at their daughter, already bright-eyed and with all the makings of a beautiful, refined woman. But Mr. and Mrs. Worthington did then regret missing the beginning of their little angel's life, and vowed not to continue the same mistake. Their recent marketing success gave them enough to celebrate, after all._

_9 months later, Caroline was born._

_After the dust settled in the ward, they noticed with shock that the tufts of hair on baby Caroline's head were green, rather than brown like Evangeline's. Fortunately, the doctor was quick to put their worries to rest: Caroline simply had the Main Character gene, a usually recessive trait that sometimes manifested itself as unusual hair (it was more common in regions of Japan). She was destined to be important._

_Things seemed to line up perfectly for Mr. and Mrs. Worthington. Here was an opportunity for them to raise their daughter, properly this time, unlock her Main Character potential, and eventually pass on the entire Worthington empire to her. From there, as a Main Character, the sky was the limit. Would she bring Worthington to the whole world? Would she discover some new perfect tea recipe? Would she discover the legendary lost chalice of hot beverages, aptly named the holy grail?_

_They resolved to quit their roles at Worthington Tea and take the time to raise their daughters._

_To their credit, they managed it for three years. But they had tea in their blood (perhaps even literally after all their time in the business) and raising a child turned out to be considerably less rewarding than they thought, so after that time, they began slipping into their old, comforting work routines._

_And Caroline had started to disappoint them slightly. For they expected, as only fitting for a Main Character, that little Caroline would astound those around her with her uncanny ability to solve rubik's cubes or puzzle games, but it was not so; when they would tempt her with such things, she would play with them for a while, but do nothing spectacular. She knew how to talk from the usual age, but rarely did. A doctor later explained to them that they were confusing the Main Character gene with the so-called Mary Stu gene, a common mistake for the inexperienced; she would be a main character, not an incredibly beautiful supergenius who had perfect control over her emotions and could do everything she attempted perfectly on the first try._

_So the work-addicted Worthington parents began cheating on their children with their business duties. Slowly but surely, they gave less and less attention to their second daughter just as they had to their first. But their daughters were intelligent, right? Besides, Sebastian, was more than capable of raising them properly. And evil masterminds weren't born to rich parents. Right?_

* * *

Heinz was looking forward to tonight. Ok, it was just a charity dinner, and it was arranged by his brother Roger of all people, but for once he was actually looking forward to it. After all, this would be the first time he had a special someone to take to such an event that wasn't crazy about whales, didn't believe aliens had abducted her, and hadn't set him on fire. And there was that one who kept stabbing him with a fork. Well, the night was still young for the last couple, but he was optimistic about the outcome.

He wanted tonight to be special, and had gone to extra lengths to make it so. He'd spent hours on his appearance: carefully combing his hair neatly and gelling it in place, picking out a tuxedo that didn't have inator burn marks on it, making sure his breath didn't smell bad, applying his best aftershave. Heinz took a final look in the mirror and tried a seductive grin, which came out as a grimace that made even himself shudder.

This might be his last date with Caroline, after all.

It's not that he wanted it to end. The opposite, in fact. He and Caroline got on together like a house on fire, which Heinz thought was a very strange expression, and he wasn't sure whether he was the house or the fire, but it fit.

But he cast his mind back to one of his first dates in America, a woman named Sophie. She had been wonderful: smart, funny, pretty, and he was sure she had evil tendencies if he had just looked hard enough. They'd gone out to dinner and their soup had already arrived, but there was a problem.

"Ugh, There's a fly in my soup," she complained.

"Not to worry!" he had said, whipping out a small ray gun from his inside lab coat pocket. "I've been working on this Anti-Cliche Inator for a while now. Let me just..."

He had zapped the soup with his Inator. But to his horror, the fly merely mutated into an alligator. It leapt at Sophie, knocking the soup all over her.

"That's odd, I'm pretty sure this isn't my Turn-Into-An-Alligator Inator…" Heinz wondered. Sophie had fainted on the spot, and the alligator had gone on to cause a great deal of 'property damage' and create a 'public disturbance' and a bunch of other words that Heinz was now far too used to hearing.

It was then that Heinz started to realise that the universe may have hated him _ever _so slightly. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve that. But to Doof, that just meant he had to work twice as hard to keep Caroline!

Make that three times as hard. Cat was the best thing to happen to him since Vanessa. She was beautiful and sophisticated and delightfully evil and she loved self-destruct buttons... and she was a really great listener. Perry the Platypus swam into mind there, and Heinz felt a twinge of guilt at how little of his nemesis he'd seem the past couple of days. But eh, Perry was a mensch. He'd understand. Right?

Cat arrived, in a cream dress with green highlights that accentuated her olive hair. Heinz fumbled his way through a compliment and she giggled, that adorable little laugh of hers that Heinz couldn't get enough of, and they left with the self-conscious evil scientist recounting the time one of his dates showed up dressed as a duck and kept quacking loudly during inopportune points of the date.

They left DEI together. The hall that the charity event was being hosted at was only a couple of blocks away, so they'd agreed to walk the short distance. On their way, they passed a particularly cheerful person.

"Good evening," he said politely, in passing, with a small tip of his hat.

Heinz immediately spun around, furiously whipping a ray gun-like device out of his inner pocket and pointing it directly at the man. "Just keep walking, mister, or I'll send you to another dimension where there are babies everywhere! They'll be all screaming and crying… basically it's a total nightmare."

Terrified, the guy ran away. Heinz was panting angrily, worked up, as if he'd just been in a physical brawl. Caroline shot him a bewildered look. He then looked back sheepishly.

"Eheh… sorry about that," he said, rubbing the back of his neck apologetically. "It's just that… well, once, I was about to go on a date, years ago. So me and this girl had just left my apartment. I think her name was Shaniqua - weird name, I mean, names with a 'q' in them are so awkward because you have to have a 'u' after it, essentially taking up two letters for one, but I digress."

Heinz took a deep breath before continuing. "Anyway, the point is, just as we were about to leave, this random incredibly handsome and manly biker shows up out of nowhere and she ended up riding away with him in no time. He totally stole my girl!"

Caroline couldn't help herself. She burst out in a giggling fit.

"H-Hey!" Heinz protested. "It was emotionally scarring, really!"

Heinz felt his mood lightening. Cat wasn't laughing _at _him, That was something he knew, not in the 'there are infinite prime numbers' kind of way, but in the 'today's going to be a good day' kind of way. Her unrestrained giggling meant that, even though the backstories in his past _were _emotionally scarring, they were still in the past, and maybe there was some good in them after all if his life was to work out in the end. It was therapeutic, actually, in a similar sort of way to monologuing to Perry the Platypus and turning them into evil schemes. It helped him deal with it.

He wasn't sure _why _she loved his stories so much, but this was one of the happiest times in his entire life, and he would go to the ends of another dimension to keep things that way.


	3. The Two Sisters

Heinz and Caroline got to the hall without any further incidents or threats to teleport people to other dimensions, and were let in, albeit reluctantly, by the man at the door. Not that Heinz noticed the man's judgemental looks. He was too busy taking in everything about Caroline, his other half, the woman who filled the void in his life that he'd been trying to fill since childhood.

The hall was expansive, with a stage at the front and elegantly set circular tables spread across the room. Heinz and Caroline made their way to one of the fancy tables, their seats marked by little cards with their names 'Caroline Fletcher' and 'Hanz Doofyblatz'. He pointed out the mistake, venting about how it was almost a long-standing conspiracy against him by the universe, and they shared in laughing about it. It barely lasted in his memory now, where before it would have left a permanent mark, festering until it bubbled into an evil scheme.

_This... this is nice, _he thought. _I can get used to this. Yeah, Heinz Doofenshmirtz is on the up, baby!_

Then Heinz felt a strong hand on his shoulder.

"Heinz! So glad you could make it."

"Hello, _Roger_," the older brother scowled, turning to face his brother. "Just when I thought this might be a nice evening."

The mayor ignored this as something considerably more interesting caught his eye. "Well hello there," he purred, kissing Caroline's hand delicately. "Heinz, never told me he was bringing such a refined, educated, _sophisticated _guest. I must ask: did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

Caroline raised an eyebrow in surprise. Doof raised both of his eyebrows in shock. How could he have been so stupid? Letting himself be lulled into a false sense of security, let himself get his hopes up that the future was bright, only to be knocked back down. He was like a moth to a flame, with the moth being himself and the flame being… something. Even his metaphors were failing him now.

This was his Motorbike Model Moment, he just knew it.

Heinz clenched his fists. He wouldn't accept this. He wouldn't just let the best thing that had ever happened to him go to his brother without a fight. Well, not this time. Ok, he had to be assertive, and he could beat Roger once and for all.

"This is Caroline, my _girlfriend_," he said, with as much confidence in his voice as he could muster. Maybe if he said it with enough belief, then it would come true? "A-And for once I can definitely say she likes me more than you, so I'll thank you to keep your hands off her."

"Of course, of course," Roger said dismissively, allowing Caroline's hand to leave his. The whole time, his eyes never left Caroline's, who held his gaze curiously in return, studying him.

"Incidentally, there's a single spare seat towards the front of the hall on the mayor's table, with an excellent view of the acts on stage to come. I'd be thrilled if you could join me, Caroline."

Roger made the offer with his most charming smile.

That was it. There was no woman who would choose _him _over Roger, given the choice. "This is going to be my Alligator in the Soup, isn't it?" Heinz sighed, defeated.

Roger looked at his brother, perplexed by his odd choice of words, while Caroline looked Roger up and down for a moment, inspecting him. Doof slumped into his chair, his head sinking into his hands.

"It's okay if you want to go, Cat. Really. You deserve the best. A-And I'll try to make sure my inevitable petty revenge scheme doesn't ruin your day too much… well, Perry the Platypus will just thwart it anyway, so you don't need to worry..."

Caroline's features relaxed into a smile. "Don't worry, Heinz, I'm staying here," she said, with a mischievous grin. "Dull diplomats aren't exactly my type."

"Well, it was nice knowing you, Cat- wait, what?!" Doof burst out in surprise. Had he heard her correctly? She was forgoing Roger in exchange for him? In his entire memory, Doof could not think of a single time that had ever happened before, with anything or anybody.

But this one time made up for all the rest.

"Very well," Roger sighed, a little crestfallen. "Enjoy the evening, Heinz. Caroline."

With one last glance at Caroline, Roger left for his seat. Doof wiped the sweat off his brow in relief as they took their seats, and a platypus-sized waiter served them some appetisers. The reality of the situation sunk in, and for the first time of the night, Doof let himself relax.

"Man, it was good to see Roger get served for once," Doof said, taking bite out of the entree. "But is it true? You really prefer me over Roger? Why? Do you have a thing for unhealthy slouches?"

She winked. "First tell me about the duck in the soup."

* * *

_Caroline's lessons had just ended for the day. She was putting away her exercise book, just as Sebastian always told her. The sun was still out, and Caroline wondered what she would do until tea time. Maybe she would practise her colouring, or clean her room, or read one of her storybooks._

_Well, Sebastian had said there would be no more lessons for the rest of summer, so she had lots of time to clean her room or start a colouring book. And the story, 'Biff and Chip's Great Adventure', was just there on the shelf, waiting to be finished; she had just got to the bit where Biff and Chip had been shrunk, and they needed to find the magic key before Spot, their dog, could cause trouble._

_It was a shame magic did not exist in real life. She really wished it did, but Sebastian_ _had told her that it did not. Sebastian knew everything._

_She pulled out the book from the shelf and carefully opened it to the right page, the one with the big picture of the key. She was just about to start reading when there was a knock on the door._

_"Do you want to build an aaair plane?"_

_It was Evangeline, no doubt leaning excitedly against the door and inviting her to come and play. Evangeline had invited her out lots of times, but she was a lot older, so Caroline always said no._

_But to build a plane? A picture of one from her lessons popped up in her head. She had been in one before: they were very large and impressive, and it seemed like something that _big _and heavy and metal should not be able to fly. That interested her._

_Well, it might be fun to make one. After all, she did like making things._

_As if reading her mind, Evangeline burst in and grabbed her hand, pulling Caroline eagerly outside through the corridors. Caroline was surprised, but didn't resist, as she listened to Evangeline's excited babbling._

_"I got the idea from TV," she said, as they approached the large main doors. She tried to push it open with her free hand, but it was too heavy. She frowned, let go of Caroline, opened the door, and grabbed her younger sister's arm again, continuing to pull her outside. "It was about the Wright Brothers, who made the first ever plane years ago. So I thought 'hey, we should make our own, and instead of the Wright brothers, we'll be the Worthington Sisters. It'll be fun!'"_

_Caroline saw the obvious flaw in the logic straight away: they already had a private family plane, did they really need another?_

_Oh, but they weren't allowed on that one on weekends, so they could use another one._

_Ok, so they just had to build it. And there, Caroline spotted another obvious problem: where would they get the materials and instructions from?_

_She was thinking about this as they approached the giant lawn outside. Caroline looked up to see crate after crate piled right on top of the usually immaculately clear grassy space. She let out a gasp._

_"Cool, huh? Just don't ask me how I got it all," Evangeline said, with a wink. "And I've got the blueprints for them too. They tell us how to make it, just like with our Lego sets."_

_Her excitement was contagious. Caroline found herself now weirdly drawn to those blue bits of construction paper. She peeked over to have a look at them and Evangeline grinned, giving them to her to look at properly. She then headed over to unload the crates, and did so with a practised efficiency. Caroline watched as her older sister began putting parts together and sections of the plane started to take shape, until she felt confident enough to join her._

_They were done in no time, and the sisters stepped back to admire their work and catch their breath. It was not a commercial style plane, as Caroline had initially thought, but it was a glider, an old-fashioned beast with long wings and an open cockpit for two._

_Evangeline whistled. "She's beautiful, isn't she?"_

_Caroline could only nod, still gazing at their creation. She'd seen planes before but this one seemed to shine. It was theirs. They'd made it together, as sisters. It was special._

"_It was so much more fun to build it with you, instead of on my own," Evangeline said, smiling at her sister. She held her hand, giving it a little squeeze._

_Suddenly, they heard a shouting from mansion. The sisters' heads whipped around._

_"Hey! What have you kids done to my lawn!?"_

_It was the head gardener, an aging plant-obsessed Frenchman by the name of Cameron. Caroline always thought of him as kind of a crazy uncle. He was playing that role quite well now, as he ran towards them, shouting things at them in some other language - probably French - and waving a stick around. He was not happy, not happy at all._

_"Quick, into the plane!" Evangeline shouted. The two children rushed towards the machine and clambered into it with some difficulty, the older sister in the front. She flicked various switches and the plane roared to life, shaking with anticipation. It began to move, forward, slowly at first, then it lifted off the ground into the air and just out of Cameron's reach, who stood on the ground, panting and shaking his fist at them up in the air._

_Caroline clutched her chest, her heart beating quicker than ever before. But it wasn't the kind of beating that happened after exercise. It wasn't because she was scared of Cameron either (he was harmless, really). It was different. It was the kind of heartbeat that she wanted to keep going forever._

_It was... magic._

_Yes, the more she thought about it, the more she was convinced it was magic, even though Sebastian had told her the opposite. Evangeline turned to face her, grinning wildly, and Caroline instantly knew she felt the same magic. She felt connected to her sister now, closer than to anything else in her whole life. It was strange, but a good strange. And to think, Evangeline must have done this thing a lot. Caroline regretted not joining her before today._

_They could barely hear Cameron's shouting from the ground. Caroline took in a deep breath of the fresh air and let the wind pass over her face. She'd been in the air before, but never like this. Was this what the Wright brothers had felt? She wondered what other things she had done that would be made so much better by adding magic. There were so many things to try!_

_But it was ok. She had her sister now. She wouldn't need anybody or anything else. She wouldn't even need get married like her mum and dad. She'd just spend the rest of her life with Evangeline, exploring the magic of the world._

_And it was strange. After they had landed, Cameron immediately raced to bring out Mr. and Mrs. Worthington. Evangeline had planned a celebratory treat for after they'd built the plane, and she rushed off to get it. Content, Caroline looked back at their plane, but before her eyes, it glowed green and then flew off of its own accord. Maybe it was a feature that Evangeline had added._

_By the time the Worthingtons reached the lawn, all they saw was their two daughters sitting and eating ice cream, any planes surprisingly absent from view._


	4. The Oblivious Platypus

Perry began setting the final table for the charity dinner.

Naturally, there were a thousand things he'd rather do: spend time playing with the boys, as they imagined or created something exceptional; watch one of his romance movies, while vegging out on popcorn and snacks; heck, even thwarting one of Doof's schemes at least kept Perry on his toes. Still, if it was his mission to stay disguised as a waiter and keep an eye on Doof when he got here, then that was what he would do. He expertly balanced numerous glasses and cutlery, laying it out in perfect order on the table.

Normally, of course, Doof would bring him, usually trapped, to this kind of event, and ramble constantly the whole time about whatever backstory and evil plan he had prepared. But now he'd be doing it with his new girlfriend. Oh well. It gave him time to think at least.

Suddenly, his arm knocked a wine glass over the edge of the table. Reacting immediately and instinctively, Perry caught it with a free hand. He breathed in relief: had it shattered, it'd have caused him a great deal more headache than he was already putting up with. It was very unlike him. He had to be more careful.

Well, back to analysing yesterday's thwart attempt.

First and foremost, Doof had managed to succeed. Memories of the times that'd happened before flashed across his mind. The Other-Dimensionator. The Ultimate Evil Inator. Perry had been lucky with the last scheme, but who knows what would happen on the next? If he wasn't careful, Doof could end up taking over the Tri-State Area successfully using an army of mechanical penguins.

And it was because of - what was the nickname Doof used? 'Cat'? It seemed she did complicate thwarting after all. Well, at least they still left self-destruct buttons. Cat's tendency for them didn't seem to fit with the rest of her character, but Perry wasn't complaining about that either.

She would also likely recognise him without his fedora, but hopefully he could play around that. Today, for example, he'd have to serve food subtly to avoid being recognised by her.

But why did she give him such an uneasy feeling?

_It's because she's a change to the daily routine, _Perry decided. Yes, that must be it. Cat was a change to his day to day life, and change is always unsettling at first. Nothing to worry about.

It was then that the happy couple entered the hall. Caroline stood with perfect posture, in what looked like an expensive outfit, her hair flowing neatly down to her shoulders, in stark contrast to Doof, with his incredible slouch, shabby suit, and unruly hair. What was it about the eccentric evil scientist that attracted rich women? It was a mystery.

Perry paused on that thought. It's real mystery, actually. Did he have some moves that Perry didn't know about?

Or did Caroline have some ulterior motive?

His thoughts were interrupted when he saw Mayor Doofenshmirtz glide over to them, clearly very taken by Caroline. Perry winced: if it was a contest between Doof and his brother, the winner was already decided.

Well, it was nice while it lasted. But with Caroline gone, things would return to normal. Most probably, Doof would create a revenge scheme he would easily foil. Perry's mind began to

But to Perry's surprise, Caroline stayed with Doof. Intrigued by this, he grabbed two plates of appetisers and approached their table from outside of Cat's line of sight, inconspicuously serving the two their starters while catching a snippet of their conversation.

_"Man, it was good to see Roger get served for once," Doof had said gleefully. "But is it true? You really prefer me over Roger? Why?"_

Honestly? Perry was wondering the same thing.

* * *

_Caroline was a perceptive teenager, a quickly maturing young lady who had thrived on the diet of maths, english, and science that Sebastian had specially designed for her ability. There were also lessons on posture, manners, poise, horse-riding, and, on her parent's request, elementary Tea Theory, all of which Caroline learned quickly if not with much enthusiasm._

_Evangeline, on the other hand, had grown to be considerably more rebellious. While Caroline was content to follow the rules and explore the mansion, Evangeline would be trying to sneak out. While Caroline was content to learn about Geography and History__**, **__Evangeline went to learn about motorbiking. Worst of all, while Caroline was content to drink tea, Evangeline went for... coffee._

_Coffee! The very thought of the foul brew made their parents shudder. They'd spend the next 30 years battling Evangeline's rebellious attitude, trying to turn her into a woman more fitting of the Worthington name. In the process, they neglected Caroline, who they reasoned had the Main Character trait and so would flourish independent of them._

_Caroline and Evangeline did still do things together, but Caroline noticed that her sister's projects were getting increasingly rebellious, especially since she'd started hanging around with a bunch of other punk teens._ _Caroline no longer called the feeling magic, but whatever the feeling was, she knew it was diminishing with every passing project._

_The final straw for Caroline was when Van burst into her room one day. That's what she had started to go by. 'Van'._

_"Hey, Cat! We're blowing up the old abandoned old abandoned playground__**! **__Let's go!"_

_Caroline stared at her in disapproval. Van rolled her eyes._

_"Don't look at me like that! Nobody plays there any more, it's perfectly safe, and nobody will care. Trust me. Plus, it'll be totally cool!"_

_But Caroline knew why she really wanted to do it. No doubt all of her punk friends would be there, and their parents would be furious when they found out. She crossed her arms and turned away; she'd have no part in this._

_"Aw, c'mon," she said, pouting in an exaggerated, childish manner. "It'll be just like old times. What do you say?"_

_Caroline sighed. "Get out of here, Van."_

_"Fine, be like that," Van huffed, turning to leave. "I guess the Worthington Sisters doesn't mean anything any more."_

_Caroline felt more than a twinge of guilt at that._

_But a few months later, she was glad she didn't relent and join her sister. In the ultimate act of rebellion, Van ran away from home and off to the US to start a new life._

* * *

Perry was observing the evil couple at a distance now. He saw Cat laugh at a presumable backstory and he saw Doof's indignation mixed with an appreciative grin at her teasing trivialisation of his tragic past. The plate of food Perry was holding nearly slid off the hand he was balancing it on, but he managed to keep the food on it in one presentable piece.

Mentally scolding himself once more, he returned his gaze towards the evil couple once more, reminding himself he was supposed to be observing them for evil behaviour. Still, he couldn't help but observe the animated, Phineas-like enthusiasm of Doofenshmirtz, and the calm, Ferb-like air of Caroline. It was also extra amusing that Doof was old enough to be Phineas's father and Cat was old enough to be...

_Oh, you have got to be kidding._


	5. The Magical Tea

_After Evangeline left to pursue her own crazy lifestyle in America, Caroline felt herself experiencing an existential crisis. She simply didn't know what to do with herself and her time. She'd gone from building planes and rockets with her sister to watching trite TV shows and horseback riding on her own. Nothing was interesting any more, not like her sister's ideas were. Well, there were the worlds of history and maths and literature and art, but it wasn't the same. The problem was that Caroline didn't just want to read or copy. She wanted to_do_._

_Now that her sister had left, Caroline's parents desperately pushed their remaining Main Character daughter to get into the Worthington tea business. But there was a similar problem. Tea was incredibly boring to Caroline, to put it bluntly. She had no curiosity or drive for it, having had it literally and figuratively shoved down her throat since she was young. Of course, should she voice her less than positive view on tea, she would practically be excommunicated from all of Britain, with little to gain, so she kept quiet._

_Well, out of habit, she did drink it every day, a particular type of brew her parents had once taught her to make. With her current indecisiveness and uncertainty, she was craving some now. Upon entering the currently empty kitchen, she filled a mug fully with water and then with milk, pouring the liquids deftly into a waiting saucepan one after the other. With a practised set of hands, she then added two tablespoons of sugar and two medium-strength (Worthington) tea bags. She opened an overhead cupboard and paused, contemplating whether to choose mint or ginger. Well, she'd had the former the previous day, so she grabbed the ginger and a grater and swiftly grated a generous amount into the saucepan, the fresh root's smell wafting through the air._

_She inhaled deeply. Just making the beverage relaxed her and gave her time to think._

_She put the saucepan on heat and then sat down, returning to her thoughts. How would she spend her time now that Evangeline had gone? Most of the ideal productive activities involved people, and she did want to avoid them, really. She could make and spend time hanging out with friends, but her family's annoying status as rich and famous meant that any acquaintances she made were of other rich kids who were, frankly, not interesting enough. They were too self-centered. She could pick up a hobby - running, perhaps - but alone, it wouldn't be enough to fill all the time she had. Classes in karate and other martial arts, training discipline and self-defence, would also not be enough to fill all her time. And she didn't feel like exerting herself overly physically anyway._

_Bah. She didn't need people. She didn't need anyone, didn't want anyone, she thought, almost bitterly. Caroline run a hand through her flowing, emerald hair, cursing it for the attention it drew from her peers and her parents. She was beginning to appreciate her sister's rebellious nature, although Caroline was considerably less zealous than Evangeline and would prefer to avoid people more subtly than brazenly going against instructions and social norms._

_The tea in the saucepan began to rise slightly, as the milk heated and reached boiling point. Caroline remembered one day being curious as to why it did so. She had read that as water started to boil away from the milk, it left a thick layer of fat and proteins on the surface. More water vapour would build up underneath the layer, pressing upwards, until... WHOOSH. Caroline remembered the shock she felt when it happened the first time, the rush of excitement when she replicated and studied it, the satisfaction from gaining full control and understanding of the process. It was no feeling of 'magic', but it was something._

_The tea began wooshing upwards, almost in sync with her memory, and Caroline rose swiftly to take it off the heat before it leapt out of the pan, proceeding to remove the tea bags and then sieve out the ginger as she poured the tea into two mugs. She would drink both of them in succession, a habit maintained from the days when she'd drink Van's cup in order to keep her dislike of it secret from their parents._

_The tea cooled enough and she took one mug, holding it in both hands. She took a small sip and 'ahhh'd in satisfaction. The solution to her problem crystallised in her mind, as if the pieces were put together by the drink._

_She would do science. She would slowly retreat into her own room more and more, emerging only for necessities and to pacify her parents. She would turn her room into her own personal laboratory, immersing herself in the discoveries and creativity of the great minds before her and pushing their work further._

_As she drained the first mug of tea and started on a second, she began planning herself a daily timetable._

* * *

With his free hand, Perry face palmed. Hard. He was reeling at how oblivious he had been. Of _course_ Caroline was Ferb's birth mother. The green hair. The britishness. The refined, quiet aura. Well, maybe that came along with the britishness. But still, he was amazed that he couldn't even realise what seemed now like a given.

But wait a moment. Maybe it wasn't true after all. Maybe Caroline was merely a blood relative. Or maybe she was not even related at all - the image of Princess Baldegunde swam into his mind. And she hadn't given any indication she was a mother, from the conversations he'd heard. No, if he assumed that she was his mother, then he'd end up stuck in one of those comedies where he gets into all sorts of trouble trying to deal with things only for them to go catastrophically wrong by the end with Doof and Caroline laughing at him for his misunderstanding, because _quite obviously_ Caroline dyed her hair and had no genetic history of green hair at all.

Or maybe he'd end up in a tragedy where Caroline discovered that her son lived right in Danville and her reconnecting with her son and once husband would tear the Flynn-Fletchers apart and force Perry's relocation...

Well, either way, Perry's first step was clear. He had to get proof. He continued waiting on tables, lingering closely to Cat and Doof's tables when possible in order to catch any conversation. He took care to stay out of Cat's line of sight, in case she could identify him without his hat.

"So I never touched an iguana again," Doof said, finishing some backstory. "But hey, I've talked for so long about my backstories, don't you want to talk about yours? I wanna know the _what _behind the Cat."

"Well I don't have anything as interesting as lawn gnome duty," she teased.

Perry raised an eyebrow. Surely she had an evil backstory at least?

"But really though," Doof said, persisting. "Haven't you had any nemeses, or bad dates, or, say, a marriage resulting in a kid and a divorce?"

If Perry didn't know any better, he'd guess that Doof already suspected something, but this was a scientist who couldn't identify a platypus without his hat even if he took it off in front of him.

Perry paused behind Cat's chair to hear her response. This was it: the moment she revealed her past, either confirming the rumour or debunking it.

She pondered for a moment.

* * *

A tired Perry trudged into his hideout, hanging his waiter's outfit back up in the portable closet. It'd been a long day, but it was not yet over. Caroline's response to Doof's question swam into mind. "None that I can remember," she had said.

It was not a response he was expecting. It wasn't quite a denial, it was more like she was avoiding the truth. Well, the truth was about to come out either way. Carefully, he took a glass from his pocket; it was the one Caroline had used that afternoon. He laid it into the computer scanner compartment and booted the program to compare the DNA on it to Ferb's, which was already on file. Apprehensively, he hit start.

_DNA too British. Unable to compare data... just kidding. 99.9999% possibility of Caroline Fletcher being the mother of Ferb Fletcher._

Perry slumped back into his chair. It was as he had feared. The comedy possibility collapsed, leaving only the tragedy outcome as the ugly possibility.

And it didn't just threaten Perry's way of life. There were implications for Doof too. Had Caroline lied to Heinz about her history? Why? Was it to spare his feelings, or was there another, more sinister, reason?

If Caroline hadn't mentioned something this important to him, what else could she be hiding?

* * *

_6:00 am and Caroline's eyes flickered open. Yawn, sit up, stretch. She slipped out of bed and pulled on the jogging bottoms laid carefully on the chair before. 6:05 am and she was outside, for her morning run._

_She was back through the door by 6:45, her breathing quickly returning to normal. Strip, shower, change. 7:00 am and she was downstairs, breakfast prepared already by the fantastic kitchen team. Tea, jam, croissants. The morning paper was laid precisely alongside the mug and plate._

_Just as she'd done over the last 2 years._

_It was Caroline's proudest achievement, really, her daily structure. It had taken months to get into, to build up the stamina to take a 40 minute run without collapsing, to structure her time so that she didn't just do experiments until 4 in the morning and not keep a proper or measured record of it. She'd reached a point where everything had its place in her life._

_Did she miss the times she had spent as a kid with her sister? Well, she tried not to think about it._

_She opened the paper and began reading, sipping tea as she did so. Usually there was nothing interesting in it - her entire routine from waking until breakfast was mostly to give her time to her thoughts, to ponder over yesterday's experiments and plan new ones._

_But today a particular advert caught her eye._

_Secret Agent Wanted_

_The Organisation Without a Cool Acronym is now hiring new recruits interested in battling the forces of evil!_

_Applicants must be intelligent, able to work with animals, and not be mad scientists._

_Human applications accepted._

_Applicants should visit the OWCA Headquarters at 222 Baker Street._

_(If you are not applying, pay no attention to this advert.)_

_Caroline stared at the advert. It was so ludicrous, so incredibly random. For some reason, Evangeline flashed across Caroline's mind._

_Of _course _she wasn't considering it. It would be far too great a deviation from her timetable. It was probably a joke. If it wasn't a joke, then this Organisation Without a Cool Acronym ('OWCA'?) were far too unprofessional and disorganized for Caroline's liking. She didn't need a job. She never had any desire to become a secret agent. It would cut into her experimentation time. There was absolutely no reason for her to give the advertisement a second thought, a hundred reasons to ignore it entirely._

_The next day, she caught the bus to Baker Street._


	6. The Mysterious Girlfriend

_The OWCA building was a large, elaborate building on the outskirts of London, with a curious sign in front of it saying "OWCA Headquarters (pay no attention to this sign)". Caroline had entered through the front door, only to find herself in a large, almost empty central hub, with corridors branching off it and going in various directions. She checked the time: 9:48 am, well within her expected 9:50 am arrival time. There was a reception desk at the opposite side of the hub, but the person on the other side of the desk was, peculiarly, not a person at all, but a mongoose in a fedora._

_Caroline suspected less and less that this was a joke. Upon entering the building, she had heard the quiet whirring of at least two security cameras in the corners of the room as they rotated and focused on her. Plus, the frowning demeanour of the sentient mongoose at the reception desk didn't suggest it was the type to be involved in such a prank._

_Well, it was still all very strange, but she had seen stranger things. Heck, she had built and discovered them, with her sister, a long time ago. Leprechauns, dodos, talking zebras, colour-changing trees..._

_She reactively shook the memories out of her head. They were beginning to surface more and more recently, and they had increasingly tempted her away from the security and productivity of her scheduled life of science and study. Leading to today, her first deviation from her structured life since it began so long ago. 9:50 am and she was here, instead of setting up a new daily experiment._

_Well, now that she was here, she might as well give it her full attention._

_Caroline approached the mongoose at reception. It stopped typing away at its computer and looked up at her. It raised its eyebrows, almost as if it was surprised to see a person. Its eyes then narrowed in suspicion, and it pressed a button underneath its desk._

_A whirring sound caused Caroline to spin around in the direction of the noise. There, a startling sight met her eyes. Right behind her, a large, square chunk of the floor behind her flip around at lightning speed, turning up an ominous giant laser. It looked like a doomsday device of some kind, and it pointed ominously and directly in front of her such that she could reach out and touch the purple tip from which, no doubt, some kind of disintegrative beam would be fired at her if she was a threat._

How rude, _was Caroline's main thought._

_In response, she turned back to the receptionist and fished out the advertisement page from her handbag, slapping it down sharply onto the desk. The mongoose peered at it, still seeming suspicious. It then shrugged dismissively, then tapped a few keys and pushed the button again. The chunk of the floor flipped around again, whisking the disintegration device from sight and replacing it with the ordinary floor tile that was there before, unoccupied save for a small name tag that was now lying on it. It was plain, with "Job Applicant (Human)" written in bold letters. The mongoose then pointed towards one of the corridors. Caroline curtly thanked the receptionist and made her way onwards._

_Caroline reached the door at the end of the corridor, on which there was a sign with the initials "L.L". She paused. Her heart was beating faster now, in anticipation of the unknown that lay beyond the door. Even the initials on the door sparked her imagination in a way she hadn't felt for months. What could they stand for? Was it the name of an animal agent like the mongoose receptionist? 'Leaping Lion', perhaps? Would she have to battle one as part of her interview?_

_If it was, she was in luck. She had some experience in lion taming. Back when they were young, she and Evangeline had run an entire circus in their back garden, complete with trapeze artists, humans that were part animal, people with unusual amounts of facial and bodily hair..._

_Once again, she shook the surfacing memories away. There was no need for them. This nonsense about lion-fighting was pure speculation and the memories of the circus were pure distractions. She would approach anything asked of her calmly and rationally, with all of her focus._

_9:55 am. After a final deep breath, Caroline knocked on the door._

* * *

"I think she's secretly evil, you know," Charlene said to Linda.

"Your ex-husband's new date?" Linda asked. "Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating. Nobody is really that sinister."

"Ok, she's not _evil_," the divorcee admitted. "But she's hiding something. I know it."

The cooking instructor today was a stand-in for the usual one, a strange old chef who called himself Mr. Ghee. He was Indian, his accent quite pronounced, and he seemed to have no idea what the class of ordinary moms would find easy or hard. Case in point: today, they were making soufflés. Their regular chef, Mr. Fusilli, was a stern, angry man, but at least he taught a good class.

Mr. Ghee's lack of attention and allowance of an entire 20 minutes to weigh the needed ingredients gave Linda and Charlene plenty of time to catch up.

"I dropped by his apartment, and Caroline was there," Charlene explained. "She told me Heinz was out, and she was watching the apartment."

Linda recalled a Heinz she had dated long ago and wondered for a moment whether he was Charlene's husband. But she couldn't imagine that the nerdy, freaky teen she vaguely remembered was Charlene's type, and the thought disappeared..

"Anyway, I was about to leave when I noticed a huge tarp covering some giant, impossible machine. Heinz was a bit of an inventor, you see," she added, on Linda's raised eyebrow and twitching eye. Charlene didn't know that (almost) 104 days of Candace's claims of giant impossible machines had led to the topic becoming something of a sensitive point for Linda.

"So I asked about the machine," Charlene continued. "Politely, of course, purely out of interest. Then she told me, 'it is a gift for Heinz, thank you for asking'. Can you believe it?"

"I don't quite get what you mean," Linda said curiously. "I mean, it really doesn't sound that bad…"

"Oh, did I mention she's British?"

Linda gasped. She had spent enough time with Lawrence to learn a few things about British culture. One was an obsession with tea, and another was that they were notorious for saying something almost as if it was a casual suggestion or compliment, a smile on their face, when really they were criticising it heavily. A British person would say 'with respect…' to be insulting**. **When a British person said something was 'great' they meant it was the opposite.

"So what did you do?" Linda asked, now engaged in the story.

"Well, I left, of course. It was only afterwards that I realised how thoroughly I'd been defeated." Charlene hung her head, almost in shame. "I had underestimated her Britishness."

The instructor had begun to talk about the history of the soufflé, but he digressed to a completely unrelated personal anecdote about the first time he cooked in an Australian restaurant. The digression reminded Charlene and Linda of Doof and Lawrence respectively.

"Well, it sounds like this woman is serious about dating your ex-husband," Linda said in a slightly lowered tone, to avoid disrupting Mr. Ghee's rambling. "But are you sure you're not just jealous?"

Charlene stifled a laugh. "No no, I don't regret the divorce, even if I have ended up paying quite a lot of alimony. It's just, Heinz is very… eccentric, so I'm just suspicious of this Caroline woman. That's all."

Linda was going to ask what 'this Caroline woman' was like, but then she looked up and saw that the instructor was already pushing his soufflé into the oven, all the while commenting that a soufflé was easy to do with a little practice and effort, really. The two mothers glanced at each other, then down at their cooking stations, and, realising how far behind they were, began rushing to catch up.

_Nevermind_, Linda decided, as she frantically whisked the ingredients in her bowl. _I'll ask another time._


	7. The OWCA Lieutenant

"_Even if the bionic leg gained sentience and moved to Venezuela, it is still a part of an evil scientist and hence will be thwarted by an agent as normal," Lieutenant Letters said. "I do not believe for a moment that the leg just wants to relax and put its feet up."_

_She put the phone down and sighed. It was barely even 10 am and she had already given all the agents their missions, stopped Agent C from eating Agent W, _again_, signed off on the huge stack of paperwork involved in sending one of their agents abroad, all while dealing with this bionic limb issue on the phone. And she still wasn't done with that - she made a mental note to call the Venezuelan OWCA. She really did hate the OWCA's Sentient Body Part Migration Control Policy, both in how much paperwork it always involved as well as the fact that it happened often enough that they needed policy for such a specific thing in the first place._

_Today wasn't even an unusually busy or productive day. Out of all the seasons, summer was the worst, as the ending of the school year meant all sorts of young hopeful evil scientists were now free to attempt to take over the Tri-County Area. Each new scientist meant more monitoring, more paperwork, and, in the worst cases, another agent. And this year's animal agent recruitment drive had been the worst yet._

_Which left the option of recruiting human agents._

_For some reason, the OWCA's superior officers frowned upon decisions to hire humans - apart from unpaid interns - as agents. Letters would never understand their crazy policies, but she hadn't got to Lieutenant by questioning things. She knew better than that. She also knew they needed all the new helping hands they could get, though, so she was given the go-ahead to post an ad for human agents. Plus, she figured it would be nice for the helping hands to have opposable thumbs for a change._

_Letters frowned and looked at her office door. There hadn't been any applicants yet, though. Perhaps it was a mistake to leave it to her unpaid intern? Or maybe her receptionist had been scaring them away? She would need to tell him to stop activating the threat destructor security system whenever anyone walked in. That is, when she got a spare second._

_Then she heard the knock on the door. _Ah, so someone has made it past Melvin after all, _Letters thought. _That already makes them a good candidate. _Letters called for them to enter._

_She first noticed the hair. Next, the way the woman walked confidently into the room, glancing around. She was neatly and smartly dressed, and exuded an air of dignity and authority, as if she did this kind of thing all the time._

_Letters knew the Main Character gene when she saw it._

"_Good afternoon, I am Lieutenant Letters," she said, outstretching her hand for a handshake._

"_Caroline Worthington," she replied, accepting the handshake. Her voice was_ _upper-class and refined, as Letters expected. There was an approval in Caroline's tone of voice. They mutually and intuitively understood each other. For that, Letters liked her already._

"_Worthington as in Worthington tea?" she asked, with a smile. Naturally, every person in England knew of the tea empire. Plus, the business had unwittingly used one of OWCA's agents as part of one of their advertising campaigns._

"_That's right," Caroline replied. But was that distaste that Letters detected? Could it be that, despite being the daughter_ _of the most influential families in the world of hot beverages, she wasn't a fan of tea?_

"_Well, your visitor's badge confirms you are indeed here for the job vacancy," Letters observed. It was definitely bizarre that a woman of practically noble blood was applying for a gritty job like this. But then again, she worked with sentient animals fighting evil scientists. Bizarre was just a typical monday morning._

"_There's just a small test which decides entirely whether we hire you or not," she then said. "So no pressure."_

_She then showed Caroline into the test room, which was an average sized space with plain, white walls and flooring and a large one-way mirror taking up almost an entire wall. High-tech orb-like projectors hung from the ceiling._

"_This is a simulation room," Letters explained. "The test is simple: you just need to shoot any threats that appear before you, and avoid shooting any innocent targets."_

_Caroline digested the instructions, furrowing her brow in concentration. This worried the lieutenant. This wasn't supposed to be the hard part. Why was Caroline thinking so deeply about it? Was Caroline in fact just a lady who had never done a day's work in her life? Or would her Main Character trait win out?_

_Letters handed Caroline a brightly coloured ray gun for use in the simulation, and then left to watch it from the other side of the one-way mirror of the room. From there, she watched Caroline turn the gun over in her hands, staring at it intently, even poking it, holding it as if she'd never seen one before. It was not a sight that inspired confidence._

"_Good luck," Letters sighed, although Caroline could not hear from the other side of the glass. "You'll need it."_

* * *

Doof was well acquainted with signs:road signs for drivers, telling them where and where not to park; crop signs from alien races, telling humans that they've lost their keys; cosmic signs from the universe, vaguely pointing a person in the direction they should go in life; star signs from horoscopes, telling people whether bad luck was in store for them on the third Tuesday after a full moon. But he'd take any of them over the one that he was staring at now.

'Elevator out of order'.

He sighed. Today was the one-month anniversary of his relationship with his girlfriend Caroline. His girlfriend! The term still sent a tingle (a good kind of tingle) through him. And as time went on, he got more and more certain that this was actually sticking! He'd had dates that had been good for a while, until they had soured, usually within a day. But apart from the first time he brought Cat home, his time with her had been smooth sailing. Now that they were approaching one whole month, he felt his chances were good that they would continue to be smooth.

But no, the universe apparently had other plans for his day. He'd been trampled by a herd of bears. His hair had caught fire. He'd been struck by lightning, twice. He went to buy chocolate and ended up in mall jail. His hip was acting up and there was something stuck in his teeth, right in the corner, in that terrible way where he could feel it with his tongue but not get it out.

Also, he'd lost his keys.

The 40-storey flight of stairs was just icing on the cake at this point, really, only this was not a cake, but a bowl of rice pudding which he was being forced to eat. They loomed dauntingly in front of him, like a mountain whose top was obscured by the clouds. And Heinz wasn't much of a climber. Plus, he was sure that 40 storeys' worth of stairs was just an understatement, and that there were in fact infinitely many stairs there because the staircase wandered through an alternate dimension halfway up where they folded back onto themselves, like a mobius strip.

He might have had the energy for it all if he had spent some time with Caroline today, but he hadn't seen her at all. What kind of anniversary was it where they couldn't even spend the day together? But Cat had said she had 'some matters to attend to alone'. It was a little mysterious and suspicious, but Heinz accepted it.

He wondered what she had to attend to so urgently on the day of their one-month anniversary. Probably British things. Or Lady things. Or British Lady things.

There was one redeeming feature of the day. Since he had no evil scheme for the day, his interaction with Perry the Platypus had been brief and painful-explosion-free.

Heinz stopped for a moment, halfway up the stairs. Come to think of it, he'd barely been in any painful explosions since he started dating Cat. Or even seen much of Perry the Platypus, for that matter. The thought made him feel slightly guilty. As such a suave, dynamic agent of fury, and stand-up platypus all around, Perry the Platypus deserved better. After all, they'd been through so many backstories and inators together. He was practically a member of the family.

Then again, he was his nemesis, and Heinz was an evil scientist...

Heinz was halfway up the stairs, still deliberating over what he should do about Perry the Platypus, when he rammed painfully into someone coming down the stairs.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" he grumbled angrily, rubbing his sore nose. "Some people are trying to make important decisions about their- Charlene, is that you?"

"Pleasure running into you as always, Heinz," Charlene sighed, brushing off her clothes from the collision. "I dropped by to give you back your drain-cleaning device. It was unconventional, but I have to admit you were right: it was effective."

"Yup, that's the declog-inator for ya," Doof said. "Er, where is it?"

"I left it with _Caroline, _who was in your apartment," she said, disdain in her voice at the mention of Heinz's girlfriend.

Heinz's eyes lit up at this. "Cat is upstairs?" he asked excitedly. "How'd she get in? Norm was deactivated so I could fix some of his bugs… She must have copied my keys and used them to get inside!"

"You didn't know she had a copy of your keys?"

"Well, no, but, you know, whatever," Doof shrugged.

Charlene's eyes narrowed. "Listen, Heinz, I know we agreed not to pry into each others' personal or business lives, but I just don't like that 'Cat', as you call her. I'm suspicious it's not going to work out as well as you want it to."

"Aw c'mon, you said that about our marriage," Heinz said dismissively.

Charlene stared at him.

"Ok ok, so maybe that didn't turn out _exactly _brilliant," he admitted. "But hey, we have Vanessa because of it, so that's a silver lining. And relax, Cat's totally cool. She never rambles on about her life in England, never talks about what she used to do for work, and, well, doesn't talk about her past at all, really…"

Charlene raised an eyebrow.

"And she doesn't even need me to meet her parents!" Doof continued gleefully. "Which is good, because if her mother is anything like yours..."

Doof then finally caught his tongue. "Then, ehe, like your mother, she must be a wonderful lady, classy, a really great cook..."

"Nice save," she said curtly. She turned to leave. "Good night, Heinz."

"Good night!" he shouted apologetically to Charlene, as she continued to walk quickly down the stairs away from him. "Oh, and tell Vanessa I'm looking forward to our father-daughter evening!"

Then, with barely a moment of delay, he turned and began to jog up the stairs, a sudden spring in his step, his memory of the past day, and of the past conversation, vanishing, to be replaced by the image of tea and green locks of hair. His Juliet awaited at the top of the castle, after all (but she would hopefully not be unconscious prompting him to drink poison, like in the actual story). Just the thought of Cat's little laugh made him smile at nothing as he happily surmounted the stairs without a second thought.

_Ah, Caroline's just perfect, and I'm the happiest I've been in years!_

_Why would I need to be suspicious?_


	8. The Rigorous Test

_The simulation began._

_The orbs hanging from the ceiling projected rays of light onto the blank walls, transforming the plain white room into a dimly lit street corner. Caroline was taken aback by the depth of the illusion; a light rain appeared to be falling, but the digital rain drops disappeared as they touched her fingers._

_The technology only served to further confuse Caroline as to whether the OWCA was a competent, efficient organisation, or the opposite. On the one hand, the technology was extremely sophisticated, and the lieutenant also had an impressive presence. But on the other hand, it was run by the government._

_A rising humming sound brought her back to focus, and a red light on her weapon flickered on, most likely in order to signal the test was now starting. Her finger rested on the trigger and she held the weapon in anticipation, carefully scanning the street for threats and mentally repeating the test instruction to herself: _'shoot any threats that appear before you, and avoid shooting any innocent targets.'

_She checked her watch a final time. 9:06 am. Her heartbeat quickened._

_A lion materialised to her right. She swung herself round to face it and it roared, the sound as terrifyingly realistic as the real ones she had once fought. She lifted the weapon, pointing it directly at the beast._

_But she didn't shoot._

_To her left, another animal materialised. This time, it was a gorilla, and it leapt up to the street lamp, pulling itself up with its powerful arms. Again, Caroline aimed the weapon at its chest, but she didn't shoot._

_A snake appeared a couple of feet away from her and she leapt back from it, startled. It was spewing a strange goo and moving slowly, almost casually, towards her. She could feel her heart pounding now. Still, her finger never pulled the trigger._

_Then a man materialised. He was clad in a lab coat, and he was walking past her with his nose in a thick book._

_Caroline fired the weapon and the man was, almost cartoonishly, electrocuted._

_Everything stopped in its place. After a second, everything fizzled away, the background humming sound that Caroline then realised had remained during the simulation now winding down as some technology slowly powered off. As the walls faded back to their original white, Caroline clutched her chest, feeling her heart racing sheerly from adrenaline rather than anything physical._

_The door to the room opened and Lieutenant Letters passed through it. Her expression was unreadable._

"_Would you explain yourself?"_

"_Certainly," Caroline replied. "I was going to shoot the lion, but then I noticed it had quite a large thorn in its foot. It was roaring in pain, not menacingly._

"_Next was the gorilla. I was going to shoot it but after a moment I realised what it was doing: pull-ups._

"_The snake was took me by surprise. At first I thought it was spewing venom, but it was holding a tissue in its tail. It just had a cold._

"_Now, the man was wearing a lab coat, so must've been a pharmacist. But the book he was reading was about quantum gravity. I'm not sure how many pharmacists consider that light reading. Plus, he seemed unfazed despite being surrounded by several quite dangerous animals. He seemed to be pretending to be innocent, no doubt in order to be threatening. So I shot him alone, as per the objective of the test."_

_Lieutenant Letters tried to remain impassive as Caroline explained her actions, but couldn't help smiling when the explanation was finished._

"_Plus, the fedoras on all the animals were a dead giveaway," Caroline added._

_This made the senior chuckle. "Yes, in retrospect I should change that for future candidates. We sort of copied the idea from 'Men in Black'. Still, I am pleased that you passed. It should make things considerably more interesting from here."_

_Caroline couldn't stop her sense of excitement, usually well in check, from bubbling to the surface, in anticipation of what was to come. Yes, things were going to get more interesting than they had done for a long, long time._

_Lieutenant Letters straightened up, exchanging a formal handshake with the green-haired mistress._

_"Caroline Worthington, welcome to the OWCA."_

* * *

"Cat!" Doof exclaimed, bursting into his apartment.

Cat's face lit up upon seeing Heinz, and she leapt off the couch to embrace him.

"Oh, Caroline, I was having such a terrible day without you," Heinz murmured, still hugging her. "But it was all worth it to just stand here and hold you... and also hold a nice cup of tea, if there is one?"

Caroline smiled and inexplicably produced a cup of tea from behind her back.

"Oh, you know me so well," Heinz grinned, taking a loud slurp of the warm, almost creamy beverage. "Ah, it's like drinking liquid happiness."

He set it aside to finish later, and Caroline leaned her head on his arm (Heinz unfortunately had no shoulders to speak of). Doof sighed blissfully. "You know, Charlene told me that the two of us wouldn't work out, but it's moments like this which make me feel like I can have one of those 'Disney Princess' happily ever afters."

Cat giggled, perhaps at the mental image of Heinz in the dress from the Ballgown-Inator incident. She began playing with the collar of his lab coat. "Pf, what did you see in Charlene anyway?" she asked playfully.

"Hey, we agreed not to talk about our past relationships except for comic effect!" Doof complained. "And trust me, there was nothing humorous about our marriage. Except maybe Mr Tomato, the sock puppet, but even that was more weird than funny."

Then his gaze fell upon the tarp-covered machine that Caroline had built for him.

"Wait... what's that?" He asked curiously. "I don't remember making a Covered-By-A-Tarp Inator..."

Cat wore a sly smile on her face. She simply beckoned him to take a nervous excitement, Doof approached the device, and whipped off the tarp.

"Oh, wow, Cat, you built me an inator!" Heinz said excitedly. "What kind of inator is it?" He gave the appealing red button on it a push, and it immediately fired an orange ray which turned the coffee table it was aimed at into a solid chunk of pure almond brittle.

"Oh, Cat, it's perfect!" Heinz exclaimed, rushing over to embrace her. "Now I feel so bad about not having a gift for you."

Cat interrupted him by holding up a hand.

"I see how it is," Cat said, her face forlorn.

"No, no!" Doof said hurriedly. "I did have something for you, but it got eaten by a bear, because the universe has it out for - oh, you were kidding. Haha, very funny."

Cat stuck her tongue out at her boyfriend, and the two lay back onto the couch, both with a piece of the almond brittle in hand. They shared several moments as they munched through their snacks together, a mix of comfortable silence and crunching almond brittle filling the room.

"I'm sure I've said this a thousand times," Heinz began, between bites. "Well, not literally a thousand times, but quite a few times, more times than I've been doomed by a sock puppet, which now that I think about it is an odd comparison because that's only happened once… right?"

He stared momentarily into the distance.

"But anyway, what I wanted to say was that we can say anything to each other. I mean, I do most of the talking, but I know that I don't have to keep any secrets from you, and you're not keeping any secrets from me. And that makes me the happiest I've ever been. No exaggeration."

At this, Heinz gazed lovingly into Cat's eyes, intent on sharing a moment with her, but she broke eye contact and turned her face away.

"Cat?" Doof asked, worried. "Is something on your mind?"

"It's…" she sighed. "It's time you knew about me."

Doof sighed. "Is this the part where you tell me you're in love with another species of mammal? I knew it was too good to be true..."

"No, nothing like that." She paused, then looked him straight in the eyes. "I have amnesia."

"I- I see…" Doof stood up and began pacing around the room, in thought. Cat watched him as he paced in a small circular pattern, anxious to hear what he would say.

"Well, that's kind of a major plot point," he said, still pacing. "I mean, I'd put money on the fact that it's going to be a problem for our relationship in the future. The universe has it out for me, you know." He then stopped. "But, Caroline, you're smart and beautiful and we both maniacally laugh at all the same stuff… and I've not felt this way about anyone since I was dating Charlene...

"I guess I'm trying to say, you're my coffee-maker."

Cat blinked, as Heinz realised the implications of what he said.

"No, no, no!" he said frantically. "I mean that you're what I didn't know I needed in my life, and that now I have you I don't know what I'd do without you, and my day's miserable if I don't have you in the morning, and-"

Cat interrupted him by pressing her lips against his.

"I see how it is," Cat murmured, and as the night deepened, so did their kiss.


	9. The Wrong House

_"Excuse me, could you pass me the that paperclip and the jar of peanut butter over there?"_

_Those were Lawrence Fletcher's first words to her._

* * *

Perry struggled under the butterfly net.

"So after Cat finishes the modifications on the Public Art Away inator, we'll activate it, freeing up the prime spot for an evil picnic here in the park! Ahahaha!" Doof cackled maniacally.

Perry knew he didn't have much time. He beckoned Doof lean towards him, as if to whisper something in his ear. Naturally, Doof came closer, curious as to what Perry the Platypus wanted to say, which brought him in range for a swift, destabilising punch from the trapped nemesis. Doof was sent flying, and with his weight no longer on the net, Perry flung it off himself and leapt to thwart the second half of his nemesis duo...

* * *

_10 am sharp. That was the time she needed to be there._

_Caroline found it counterintuitive that the agency discussed things like start times with the evil scientists it was meant to thwart, but she didn't dwell on it. She also didn't dwell on the lack of training she'd received - all she'd been given was a brief rundown of the system, a giant book of OWCA by-laws, and a fedora. She'd 'learn on the job', the Lieutenant had said._

_Well, she was about to start learning real soon._

_Not that it worried her. In fact, she felt a nervous excitement building up. She ran through the key details in her mind once more: his name was Robinson Collins, he was a fresh PhD graduate from Camford-Upon-Oxbury, with a degree in Mathematics,, and he lived at the bottom of Grange Road._

_There was just one problem, though. 'The bottom of Grange Road' could refer to two houses: one of them being a perfectly normal flat, and the other being a large, ominous castle which had its own thundering dark clouds localised above it._

_It seemed obvious that her nemesis-to-be should live in the castle, but Caroline resolved to check the flat first. She wasn't going to be caught out making any assumptions. Having said that, the house didn't exactly reek of 'evil scientist'. The door to the house was just a plain, cream door with a simple doorknob, and the doormat read 'bless this mess'. If Dr. Collins did live here, then he was going to be quite different to what she expected._

_Caroline wasn't sure what to expect of the potentially evil lair. A corridor of lasers? A pit of sharks? A decoy scientist that would turn into a trap and restrain her, while the true Dr Robinson Collins emerged from the shadows, cackling maniacally while stroking the fat cat in his arms? The countless possibilities gave her a tingle of excitement._

_Carefully, she whipped out her fedora, placing it neatly on her head, just as the agency had taught her (something they spent an unusual amount of time on, really). She checked the time: 10:00 am precisely. She was about to knock before she suddenly wondered whether she was supposed to kick down the door instead. Or was she supposed to slip in undetected? She made a mental note to ask when she got back to the office._

_Taking a deep, calming breath, she tried the doorknob. To her surprise, it was unlocked, and the door swung open from a gentle push._

_She expected something unexpected, something remarkable. But the most remarkable thing about the house she had stepped into was how unremarkable it was: there was a small space for shoes and coats, but other than that, it was ordinary._

_She heard a shuffling sound from behind the door at the end of the corridor. It was looking unlikely that this was the evil lair in question, but she still approached the door cautiously, the sound becoming distinguished as the struggling of a man wrestling against something. Then the wrestling sounds stopped, and in that second Caroline shoved aside her apprehensiveness and kicked open the door._

_This time the sight she came across really was unexpected. The room's walls were covered in posters about fish and boats, mounted fishing lines, and proudly framed photos of tiny fish caught on the line of the man on the floor in the middle of the room that was tangled in the line of a fishing pole and what kind of nutter had she gotten involved with?_

_Neither of them spoke for a moment, as each took in the appearance off the other._

_"Excuse me," the man then said politely. "Could you pass me that paperclip and that jar of peanut butter over there?"_

* * *

Perry leapt towards the clearing, testing patches of grass with his foot in order to find the trigger that would cause Cat and the Inator to rise from under the ground, as he had seen them sink into it moments after he was captured by Doof. But then, he spotted movement in the corner of his eye.

"Oh, there you are, Perry," Phineas smiled, jogging over from out of the trees surrounding the clearing. He holstered his toy laser gun and picked up his mindless pet, who responded with his signature chirp.

"Come on, Perry, help me find Isabella," he said, heading back into the trees.

The secret agent took a nervous glance over the shoulder of his owner as he saw Doof recover from being hit and getting up, wondering where his nemesis Perry the Platypus had gotten off to, before shrugging and stepping on the the trigger switch. The inator, along with Cat, rose up from the floor with a ground-shaking groan, though thankfully, Phineas was too preoccupied with his game of laser tag to hear it. Doof said something and Caroline laughed, happy, leaning on Doof's shoulder as he tinkered a little with the machine. Perry found himself wondering once again how Ferb's mother had ended up going from Lawrence to Heinz.

Phineas set Perry down and split away from him, beckoning Perry to search in one direction before heading off to searching through the trees in the other. Perry figured he had better help before he could get back to thwarting. He was no tracker dog, but his sense of smell was sharper than average, and he sniffed, picking up on Isabella's flowery scent. It was nearby. He picked his way towards Isabella, but couldn't see her until he looked up and saw her crouched onto the side of the tree, her boots defying gravity as they clung to the vertical surface. Perry chattered.

"Perry?" she gasped, keeping her voice low. "Don't give away my position!" But then, a laser shot echoed throughout the trees, and a red beam of light bounced off trees until it struck Isabella. It knocked her off the tree and she fell, but her jetpack automatically activated before she reached the ground, granting her a safe landing.

"No fair, Phineas!" she shouted playfully. "I'm going to get you back for that!" with that, she jumped off, leaping between trees and branches as she travelled in the direction the laser was fired, in search of her friend. No longer being watched, Perry whipped on his fedora and rushed back to where Cat and Doof were continuing their evil scheme…

* * *

"_Well, as you must have guessed, I like to do a little fishing here and there," the man explained apologetically, after Caroline helped him get untangled. He was clad in a padded brown fishing vest that seemed too big for him. "I've been experimenting with some more unique bait and hooks and, um, got into a bit of a muddle."_

_He stood up and brushed himself off, largely unperturbed, as Caroline stared at him in amazement. He outstretched a hand. "I'm Lawrence. Lawrence Fletcher."_

"_Caroline Worthington," she said, shaking his hand uncertainly._

_He paused upon hearing her name. He most likely recognised her name from Worthington Tea, but to Caroline's surprise he said nothing about it. "Well, can I get you anything?" he said warmly, picking his way carefully over the fishing equipment scattered over the floor to reach the kitchen. He began rummaging around his cupboards. "I've got some lovely crumpets here somewhere, or simply some 'rich tea' biscuits, if you'd rather have something light?"_

_Something inside Caroline bade her to stay. But that was the Evangeline in her, the part of her she was supposed to have left behind. "I'm afraid I've got a job to do elsewhere. My apologies for the disturbance," she said._

"_Ah, that's a shame," said Lawrence. "Well, it was lovely meeting you, Miss Worthington."_

_With a foot outside the door, Caroline hesitated. "Next time," she resolved aloud. "Next time, I'll take you up on those crumpets."_

"_Excellent, I'll count down the days," Lawrence said happily, before returning to fashioning his fish hook._

_With a slight smile, Caroline turned out of the house to enter that ominous castle of Dr. Robinson Collins._


	10. The Mad 'matician

_In complete contrast to the little flat of Lawrence Fletcher, the castle of Robinson Collins stood tall and foreboding, with bats circling its tall spires. The clouds cast a dark shadow over it and it alone - over the rest of the street, the weather was as pleasant as normal (but not too pleasant - after all, this was England). It was like a haunted house that had been cut from a macabre place and pasted right into the otherwise perfectly plain street._

_The front door was ominous, and looked too heavy to kick down. There was a large, ornate knocker on it, but Caroline noticed a white piece of A4 paper taped at knee-level at the bottom corner of the door, somewhat at odds with the whole image of the castle. She knelt down to properly to look at the sheet._

To the OWCA agent arriving today, please let yourself in, _it said, in large Times New Roman letters. _The spare key is under the doormat. _He had then began to sign his name as 'Mr. Collins', but had struck through it, and changed it to 'Dr! Collins', complete with multiple exclamation marks, instead._

_Very bizarre._

_Despite this, Caroline pressed on. She flipped open the 'bless this mess' doormat. There indeed was the key, and she used it to enter the door. With a strong push, it swung open, exposing a massive corridor that seemed to stretch as far as she could see._

_Caroline stepped through, and her intrigue grew as she walked through the corridor. There were old, random portraits on the stone walls, and there was a line of red carpet leading as far as she could see. What was the story behind this place? Again, there was a piece of white paper, this one stuck next to one of the doors of the corridor at knee-level. This one had a large arrow pointing at the door, and it read: _OWCA agent, this way to the evil scheme! By the way, I'm not sure how tall of an animal you are, but I tried to stick this at a level where you can read it...

_Very bizarre. Well, it explained why the papers were knee-height. She passed through the door, and it led her into a large room. This one had a high ceiling, an ornate chandelier suspended from it. A large, open spiral staircase on the other side of the room led to the floor above. There was also a large device that was actually similar to the security device in the OWCA, probably part of his evil scheme._

_But just as she was taking this in, a large cage fell from above, trapping her before she could react._

"_Ah, my nemesis, we meet at last," a voice from above echoed. Caroline heard his slow, steady steps as he descended the staircase from the floor above."I am the evil Dr Robinson Collins, and I will be the one to take over the Tri-County Area, or my name isn't Dr. Robinson Collins!"_

_He came into view and Caroline finally saw Collins in person. He was a fairly short man, with thick glasses and greasy hair, and suspenders high up his waist. He looked as he did in his photo, which was essentially as she expected someone with a degree in Mathematics to look. Currently he wasn't looking back at her, but was thinking about his opening speech._

"_Ah, drat, I said my name twice, didn't I? Great, all that practice and I still got it wrong at the end. That's what I get for- well helloooo…"_

_His eyes had landed on Caroline, and were now stuck on her like glue._

"_My dear, was it the OWCA that sent you, or heaven?" he purred. "Oh hey, that was smooth. Self-high five!" He raised one hand and high-fived it with the other proudly._

_Very bizarre. Caroline raised an eyebrow, and Collins realised what he had done. "Ah man, I've ruined it, haven't I?" He sighed. "Alright, well, you're WAY out of my league, so I'll _try _to view you as just my nemesis, you know, keep our relationship purely professional. Emphasis on try. I mean, you must know this, but you're very pretty."_

_He resumed descending the stairs, but now he took them more erratically, stepping down two at a time every other step. "I'm so excited about this!" he said, with a nerd-like glee. "There was a little pamphlet about how things work in the gift basket the OWCA sent, and I now know that inside-out! Though," he added, giving her another look up and down, "I expected to get a nemesis that was less, you know, human."_

"_Now, what did the pamphlet say?" he mused, as he finally reached the bottom of the staircase. "Ah yes, explain my evil scheme. Well, since it's our first time, I've not done anything major. I've just put together a device which doubles the length of any queues that people are in." He patted the large device fondly. "Since we Britons are infamous for our queueing, it is still delightfully evil, if I say so myself..."_

_Very bizarre. As he continued to ramble to himself, Caroline inspected her cage a little more closely. The cage door was secured with a heavy padlock. She spotted the key hanging out of Collins's pocket, but he was too far for her to grab it directly. She was going to need something clever to get the key from him._

_That was when she had a brainwave._

* * *

Perry arrived at the clearing where Heinz and Caroline's evil scheme was in full swing underground. What was it again? Something about an evil picnic? No, wait, it was about getting rid of public art so that they could _have _an evil picnic.

He didn't want to do what he was about to do. But he could hear the kids' voices at a dangerous distance, and it proved hard enough to defeat Caroline 1 on 1 even without having to take them into account. He sighed, and whipped out a small communicator pad and held it in his two hands, pushing a button to connect him to his intended backup. It beeped for a few moments, until finally the call was picked up on the other end, and the recipient's face appeared on the screen.

"Hey Perry!" Stacy whispered excitedly, waving in front of her own device's little camera. "So hyped for my first mission! What do you want me to do, keep the Flynn-Fletchers occupied?"

Gritting his teeth slightly, Perry nodded. The teenage girl let out a suppressed squeal of glee. "Yay! And relax, Perry, you can depend on me," she saluted. "You go fight that evil guy."

He then heard Candace's voice in the background. "Stacy, who're you talking to?"

Stacey frantically shoved the device behind her, the camera now zoomed in close to the back of her dress. "Er, myself! You know, because I do that sometimes."

"Sure…" Muffled as it was, Perry could still hear how unconvinced Candace was by this.

"Er, hey, I bet your brothers are doing something crazy!" Stacy suggested.

"They are so busted!" Candace exclaimed, and a shuffling of feet indicated she had sprinted off.

"Sorry Perry," Stacy said apologetically, now facing the camera again. "But like I said, you can totally count on me! Good luck on your mission!"

The transmission ended and Perry sighed. He really did not want to rely on the teenage girl, but he really had no other options. He couldn't rely on the OWCA for help because the by-laws prevented any consistent sort of assistance they could offer, that was, even if they had the budget for it. Besides, Monogram wasn't looking too closely into who Caroline Fletcher actually was, and Perry would rather the Major _didn't _know she was the mother of one of his owners and maybe deciding that it was too risky for Perry to keep being Phineas and Ferb's pet.

Anyway. He crossed his fingers in hoping that Stacy's side of things would all work out, and put it out of his head for the time being. He knew he needed some sort of advantage if he was going to beat Heinz and Cat. He took a moment, thinking hard for anything that could give him the upper hand.

Then Perry noticed something from the corner of eye, and he grinned.

* * *

"_Yes, it's really pretty good for my first scheme ever, don't you think- hey, you escaped!" Robinson exclaimed, noticing that his prisoner was now outside the cage._

_His hand rushed to the key in his pocket, but it was still there. "Ah, I see you used your hairpin to pick the lock. Nobody said you needed to use my key to get out, that's some pretty outside the box thinking there! In my defense, though, I did expect my nemesis to have fewer opposable thumbs."_

_He raised his fists in an amateur fighting stance, but Caroline was practically an athlete in top shape, and she moved at tremendous speed, springing between the walls, ledges, and balconies of the huge room, until she was past Collins and next to his evil device._

"_Well, I know when I'm beat," he said, somewhat disappointed by his complete defeat. "I'm not actually sure what you're supposed to do at this point…"_

_But Caroline knew. Carefully, she pulled off a panel covering some of the complex internal wiring. She studied it for a moment. Then, she shuffled the wiring around, replaced the panel, and then walked swiftly towards the exit._

"_Oh, what did you do?" Collins asked curiously, leaning over to inspect the changed wiring. "Oh, you've rigged it to self-destruct! You OWCA agents know what you're doing!"_

"_Maybe you should be running," Caroline called, over her shoulder._

"_Hm? Well yes, obviously, I- oh, right," he realised, coming to his senses mid-sentence, and he screamed girlishly as he fled up the staircase away from the trembling machine._

_Caroline shut the heavy front door behind her, as the machine exploded. "Curse you, Agent C!" she heard, from the window, smoke also billowing from it._

_She reflected on her day. Yes, Collins was an awkward mathematician. Yes, he was infatuated with her, Yes, he was incompetent. Yes, his whole scheme was ludicrous, anticlimactic, just plain_dumb_. But she would go back and do it all again._

_Why? She didn't know for sure. But if she had to guess, it was probably because she needed a little bizarreness back in her life._

* * *

Perry defly located the trigger on the ground and pushed down on it with his foot, causing the ground to shake and part ways, as a huge platform rose ominously to fill the space. Heinz, Cat, and their ominous Inator atop the platform that the trigger was for.

"What the- oh, Perry the Platypus, it was you," Doof said, his momentary confusion over why the platform had risen quickly vanishing as he saw his nemesis. "But you are too late! Our Inator is ready!"

Doof swung the fishing net down onto Perry, who just stared back under the net, unimpressed. The trapped agent repeated the same trick as before, beckoning his nemesis to lean towards him, and of course Doof obliged by falling for the same trick again, receiving for his curiosity a punch square to the face. Doof was sent flying and landed painfully on the ground, now nursing a sore nose and a sore behind, and making a mental note not to slack off when it came to traps in the future.

Perry leapt in front of Cat, his final obstacle, but Cat was simply leaning, relaxed, against the Inator. "This feels right, doesn't it, Agent P?" she said happily, as if detached from the moment. She breathed in deeply, as if at one with the universe. "This struggle between good and evil... Doesn't it just make you feel _alive_?"

Perry growled. He had no time for poetic reflections on their daily routine, and he didn't have much patience for any of this. He had no idea what Caroline's history was like, or how it led to her profound love for evil, but it didn't matter now. All that mattered was that good triumphed.

Cat raised her fists confidently, knowing she could at least stall Perry long enough to allow the Inator the warm-up time needed to fire off its deadly shot. But instead of attacking, Perry merely smiled knowingly. At that point, Cat heard the completely unmistakeable sound of two old ladies rushing towards them.

"Excuse me, you there! You are in clear violation of park rules!" Ruth exclaimed. "Evil devices on platforms rising from underground are not allowed!"

"Perry the Platypus, you called Esther and Ruth, from the Danville Botanical Garden?" Doof asked his nemesis incredulously, before turning to the two ladies. "Wow, I didn't know you guys worked the Danville Park too. Anyway, this is a free country! Where's your proof I'm not allowed to use my Inator?"

Esther pointed sternly at a sign stuck in the grass some distance away. It read: _No evil devices on platforms rising from underground_.

"What an oddly specific sign…" Doof said.

Perry shot a triumphant smirk at Caroline, but to his surprise, Cat did not seem angry or upset at all. In fact, she seemed perfectly content with being thwarted. She looked almost… impressed? It only lasted for a moment before she strode past Perry, in order to talk to Ruth and Esther. She would pacify them by reassuring them she'd handle Doof, but it left Perry free to hit the self destruct button on the Public Art Away-Inator and quickly get clear of the resulting explosion.

"Aw man," Doof sighed. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

"No cursing semi-aquatic mammals on weekdays!" Ruth scolded, pointing at the sign saying the same thing stuck in another corner of the park's expanse of grass.

"Man, this park has some weird signage," Doof sighed.

* * *

"Oh there you are, Perry," Phineas said, picking up his pet platypus.

The kids had all finished their epic game of laser tag, and were now taking off their special laser tag gear. Stacy too was taking off gear, having joined in the game later on. Perry caught her eye and she gave him a discreet wink and thumbs up.

Perry smiled back weakly. Things had worked out, after all - things were much less hectic after he had called Stacy for help compared to before. And it had freed him some thinking time in order to figure out a way to beat Cat and Doof, something he didn't always need before due to Doof's tendency to thwart himself from time to time.

But Perry knew that the situation was delicate. Stacy was no professional, and all it would take was one moment of carelessness, and his family would find out his secret, or the OWCA would find out that she knew. And Caroline's memories were a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment.

Something had to give eventually, and Perry just hoped he could control the damage when it did.


	11. The Evil Convention

_"...So I learned that it was too late, we were already headed off for Southampton, and that is the story of how I caught the Big Mouth Ramón."_

_With quiet pride, Lawrence finished his story, to applause from his audience, Caroline Worthington. She had listened intently to the entire Big Mouth Ramón saga that spanned the last several years of Lawrence's life and took 3 hours and a tea break to narrate. And it didn't take so long because Lawrence was a bad story-teller. It was because the story itself was so fantastical, so impossible, so much larger than life, that hearing just the events of the story itself (or worse, only snippets of it) would make no sense at all. It just wouldn't be believable. All of the crazy events needed explanations as to why things turned out the way they did. But all of those explanations were crazy too, and needed background of their own. And then that background was crazy too, and needed context of _its _own. And… actually, the context made sense._

_That was why she loved listening to him talk. She could close her eyes and see herself there with him on those adventures. It was already her favourite part of being an agent; every day, at the slightest hint of evil movement from her nemesis, she would immediately report for duty and thwart his plans, all so that she had an excuse to just drop by his neighbour Lawrence's house for a cup of tea and a chat._

_Not to say that thwarting Collins wasn't interesting. Her freshly graduated nemesis did an excellent job in creating traps and schemes that surprised and stretched her own knowledge and abilities. Because of the challenge, she was happy to do it day after day. But she was even happier to finally leave Collins' house at the end of it. With Lawrence, she wished she never had to._

"_You know, I do think this is the first time I've told the story in full," Lawrence said. "What did you think of it?"_

"_It was amazing," Caroline breathed. "Especially the part when you went down that crevice with The Beatles in a Paddington Bear costume."_

"_Oh, well, it all happened very naturally, really," he blushed, averting his eyes and toying with the carpet with his foot, like a shy child being complimented._

"_Just… just how did you get into all of those situations?" she asked, eager to hear the secret._

"_Well, I don't really do anything special as far as I know..." Lawrence said, searching his memory for a more satisfactory answer to her question._

_Caroline knew that this couldn't be true. A man didn't earn the nickname 'Hairy Larry' in Africa without being special (Evangeline swam into mind at this point, but Caroline guessed it wasn't the 'Hairy Larry' part that caused her to). At the same time, Caroline also knew that the man was being honest about what he said: Lawrence honestly believed he didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Caroline found that endearing._

"_I think the opportunities are always there knocking," Lawrence finally said. "And sometimes you've just got to throw caution to the wind and follow your heart."_

"_Is that right…" Caroline murmured, looking fondly at him._

_He looked back with his genuine soft smile, oblivious to the atmosphere in the room, before seeing Caroline's glass empty and recoiling in horror, rushing into the kitchen with it to refill it, tripping on his living room rug in the process, but he managed to juggle the glass safely onto his back while he himself landed flat on the ground._

"_Well I think that could've gone worse," he said, brushing himself off. "Let me get you that drink."_

_Caroline sighed happily. Without realising, she'd fallen just a little tiny bit in love._

* * *

"Welcome one and all to the 36th annual LOVEMUFFIN convention! Please note that we take no responsibility for any valuables transported to another dimension while on the premises."

Heinz and Cat attached their name tags and strolled towards the Evil Device exhibit, arm in arm. Heinz was recounting some of the LOVEMUFFIN events he'd been to before, bringing the history to life in his own unique style.

"You know, they're not actually annual," Heinz revealed. "They just say that to make it sound more impressive. I only coined the name earlier this summer, for crying out loud!"

The tannoy continued to issue warnings about unlikely occurences while they wandered past the Lab Coat Emporium's stand.

"And the acronym is a little unfortunate, but you know, I'm starting to like it," Doof continued, as he felt the material of one of the lab coats at the stand. "It's got kind of a reverse-sight-ology feel. It makes our enemies think we're all cutesy and harmless, then BAM! We hit them with our full evil force!"

"That would be reverse _psychology_, sir!" Norm piped in from behind the couple.

"Ugh, I keep forgetting you're here," Doof said, while paying for the lab coat. "And reverse psychology is what I said."

Cat was about to stick up for their poor son-like robot when their stroll was interrupted by an unpleasant sight.

"Well well well, if it isn't Slouchy himself."

"Ugh, _Rodney_," Heinz groaned. "This was shaping up to be a nice evening until you showed up."

"What, you didn't expect to see me, the creator of the greatest inizors in the Tri-State Area, at a LOVEMUFFIN convention?" Rodney sneered. "And, my my," he added, eyeing Caroline up and down. "What Inator did Doofenshmirtz use to get you to come along?"

"Hey Rodney, that's crossing a line!" Doofenshmirtz shouted, taking a step forward with clenched fists, but Caroline put an arm across his path.

"So you're Rodney," she said sweetly. "I've wanted to meet you for a while, for the same reason people participate in chilli-eating contests: to see how far they can get without throwing up."

"Wha-?"

"And I must say, it's quite the experience," she continued. "I'm not sure if I want to claw my eyes out so that I don't need to see your face, or tear my ears off so that I don't need to hear your voice. Honestly, I'd take nails on a blackboard over this conversation lasting a sentence longer than it needs to."

Rodney's eye twitched in anger. "I will not stand here and be insulted like this!" he raged.

"Then pull up a chair," she said. "I've not even started on your dress sense, your incompetence as an evil scientist, or your ridiculous obsession with your equally ridiculous name."

Rodney was speechless for a full 5 seconds.

"But... But you could say the same things about _Heinz_!" Rodney spluttered.

"True," she said lightly, before leaning her head happily on Heinz. "But I _like _him."

Rodney was now trembling with rage. "I won't forget this, er -" he peered at the name tag, "- Caroline Fletcher! I will have my revenge!" And with that, he stormed off.

There was a moment of silence, before the Lab Coat Emporium stand worker began applauding.

"Oh yeah! Better stop, drop, and roll, Rodney, because you just got burned!" Heinz taunted triumphantly, as Rodney marched away, tail figuratively between his legs.

Heinz glanced sidewards at his girlfriend, who was lightly straightening her clothes. She looked up at Heinz innocently enough, but he knew that _she_ knew what she had done. "I feel like I just saw a blue moon or something," he said. "Not that I have actually witnessed any color of the moon other than white, and I'm pretty sure it's just an expression anyway, but still, that was amazing! What brought all that out?"

"Hmmmmm," Caroline hummed, in mock thought. "I blame a certain brown-haired gentleman."

"Man, a new lab coat AND Rodney gets lit on fire by my awesome girl! What could ruin this day?"

Unfortunately, his question was answered by the appearance of an ominous looming robot.


	12. The Ominous Robot

The ominous robot loomed over the couple. It was the same height as Norm, and guns protruded from its arms. Heinz was already cowering behind an unimpressed Caroline, who had naturally moved back into a defensive stance. Norm peered at the humanoid figure.

"Chloe?" he asked.

"Hello there, Norm," Chloe confirmed. She took a step backwards so that she was no longer blocking the light overhead, bringing her into full view instead of being a dark, threatening shadow. She looked down at the group, Doof still quivering slightly. "I hope I didn't startle you all."

"Hey, I remember you now," Heinz recalled, coming out from behind Caroline, his cowardice just moments ago totally forgotten as he remembered who Chloe was. "You're that robot of Rodney's! Say, did you always have those guns on your arms?"

Chloe looked over her weapons."There is a robot competition later," she explained. "My father gave me these to make me appear more intimidating."

"Well you can tell him that it totally didn't work," Doof huffed. "Anyway, this is Caroline, my _girlfriend_. We've been going out for ages now, we're totally in love! Oh, and this hunk of junk behind us is Norm."

Cat shook Chloe's arm (as best she could given how chunky the metal appendage was) and Norm waved at her, his face displaying joy at seeing her as best as it could. Chloe smiled (sort of) and returned his wave, matching his gaze with her own.

"Anyway, if you're looking for Rodney, he stormed off in that direction," Heinz gestured, oblivious to the moment being shared by the two robots. "And take a fire extinguisher, because he got _roasted_!"

"I will go and pick one up," Chloe said seriously. "Now I must go, it was a pleasure meeting you all. Norm, we should interface again sometime."

With that, she curtseyed, then stomped off in the direction that Rodney had fled.

"Alright, who's up for seeing the Invisible Traps exhibit?" Doof said cheerfully, oblivious to the hearts in Norm's eyes following Chloe as she left. Doof was already pulling out the map from his pocket to see where the exhibit was located. After staring at it and turning the map at different angles for several seconds, he then abandoned the map entirely.

"We don't need this thing, my natural sense of direction will get us there. Follow me!" he said, strolling confidently in a direction he chose more or less at random. But Caroline grabbed his sleeve, and he turned around to see both Cat and Norm looking pleadingly at him, complete with puppy dog eyes (which, on Norm, looked more disturbing than pleading).

"I like Chloe, dad!" Norm implored of his creator. "Please let me spend some time with her!"

"Ugh, you're just like an annoying kid sometimes, Norm," Doof groaned. "But not my kid," he added quickly, before Norm could become too happy. He appeared to give the matter some thought, and Norm's eyes grew slightly wider as he dared to hope his dear father might give his blessing...

"No!" Doof said anyway. "I don't want you having anything to do with that robot of _Rodney's,_" he added angrily, seething at the name of his true nemesis. "Now come on. I want to see those invisible traps." He turned to leave, but Cat was still clutching his sleeve. Heinz glanced at her, and was immediately caught in her puppy-dog gaze.

"Pf, you're just a sucker for a good love story," Doof said staunchly, carefully avoiding her eyes.

A moment passed.

"Aaand so am I," he relented, admitting his weakness for romance. "Alright, fine. Plus, it'll annoy Rodney. Norm, you can go out with Chloe."

"Yay!" Norm exclaimed joyfully. Caroline wrapped her arms around Heinz in a happy hug, and then Norm joined in, crushing the couple.

"Hey! Don't make me take it back!" Doof squeaked in Norm's overly tight grip, and the giant metal robot loosened his arms, an oily tear of happiness leaking from his eyes.

"Man, you've been having a lot of weird bugs today, Norm, but that's just what love does to ya," Doof smiled, in a rare show of genuine feeling towards his son-like robot. "Hey, now you can be like Romeo and Juliet! I mean, I assume that went well. I never saw the ending."

"I hope Rodney is as understanding as you, dad!" Norm said cheerfully.

But as soon as he said it, Norm's smile turned upside down. He, along with Heinz and Caroline, understood immediately that it wouldn't be the case. Rodney didn't want them together when he first found out about them, let alone now that Heinz and Cat had made even more of an enemy out of him.

Heinz growled in frustration, mumbling juvenile and Druselsteinian curses towards Rodney. "Man, just as I decide to do something, Rodney has to pull a dead moose in the road and be an obstacle for me once again!"

But Caroline had other ideas. "Well, if we can't get his blessing..." Caroline said slowly, a mischievous grin growing on her face, "We'll just have to do it without."

"Ooh, that sounds so sneaky, I love it," Heinz purred. "Hm… You know, I think I've got a plan!"

* * *

_As Lawrence brought another anecdote to an end, a satisfied Caroline opened her eyes, to a ray of orange light streaming through the window, indicating the sun was preparing to drop below the horizon yet again._

What time must it be now? _She wondered idly. _What time is sunset today anyway? _Not that long ago, she would've known what time it was to the minute. Caroline blamed a certain brown-haired gentleman._

_The peace was interrupted by a high-pitched scream._

_The OWCA agent's head turned sharply to the source of the noise and her hand instinctively rushed to whip on her fedora, but she restrained herself from doing so in the presence of Lawrence. "My word, what was that?" the man said in surprise. "It sounded like…"_

_The girlish scream had come from outside. Wasting no time, Caroline strode out to find out who was in trouble, Lawrence following not far behind. Their eyes fell on the terrified man looking up at the fire spreading over his house._

"_Rob!" Lawrence exclaimed, rushing to comfort his poor neighbour._

_"Oh, it's terrible, Lawrence," Collins panted. "I was tinkering with one of my inventions when- when it just went haywire and - BOOM!"_

_"That's awful," Lawrence said sympathetically. "I understand the feeling, I really do. I once bought a toaster that burnt the word "evil" into all of my toast for some reason, every single one! I must've bought one of those novelty toasters by mistake. Anyway, my point is you have to accept these things, and move on to the next part of your life."_

_Caroline smiled. That whole piece of advice was just classic Lawrence: zany anecdote combined with deep wisdom._

"_Thanks Lawrence," Collins said gratefully. "You always know what to sa- well helloooo…"_

_His eyes had landed on Caroline, and were now stuck to her like glue. The secret agent's face fell in anticipation of what was coming next._

"_What's a beautiful lady like you doing way out here?" he purred. "Hehe, that was pretty smooth," he then said to himself, self-high-fiving there and then._

_Caroline twitched. Collins didn't recognise her without her fedora. This deeply irked her. How could someone so talented at creating evil devices be so deficient in _everything _else?_

"_Ah, Rob, this is Caroline. She drops by my place from time to time," Lawrence explained, obliviously. "Caroline, you've heard me rattle on about old Rob here."_

"_All good things, I hope," Collins grinned, bowing slightly._

_This earned a look of distaste from the secret agent, which went unnoticed as his attention turned back to Lawrence, who continued consoling him. "Anyway, Rob, why don't you come inside. I've got some lovely little crumpets we can have while everything gets sorted out-"_

_Lawrence was interruptd by an earth-shaking explosion, as portion of Collins' mansion exploded. The force sent the trio staggering backwards. The mansion began spitting flaming debris around and they hastily retreated to the opposite side of the street, putting some distance between them and it. Then, a huge fiery ball, a conglomeration of wrecked evil machine parts, erupted through the flames with another explosion, rising high into the sky…_

_Before smashing squarely into Lawrence's flat._


End file.
